Category Archives: Blog

How To Take Back Control Of Your Life

If there’s a goal that you’ve set for yourself and it hasn’t happened yet, there’s only one reason…

You haven’t change your behavior to match the goal.

Let me explain.

When you have an “AHA” moment and realize that you want more out of life, you may find yourself setting a new goal.

It might be a weight loss goal, a relationship goal, a financial or business goal.

Perhaps you create a vision board for this goal, you write it down daily, and you visualize the goal.

These are all important steps, but there’s one step that has to happen, or the goal isn’t going to happen.

What’s that step?

You’ve got to match the correct thoughts, emotions, beliefs and behaviors with the goal that you want to achieve.

For example, if you want to lose weight…. you can’t rely on the thoughts, emotions, beliefs and behaviors that kept you overweight.

If you want to earn more money, you can’t rely on the thoughts, emotions, beliefs and behaviors that kept you broke.

I’ve seen many people want a bigger reward from life without being willing to change their thoughts, emotions, beliefs and behavior.

It’s a delusion to believe that you can lose weight eating the way you used to eat when you were overweight.

It’s a delusion to believe that you can start a successful business with the same behaviors that prevented you from starting a business.

If you want a greater reward from life, you’ve got to become more, believe more, act in a way that is congruent with the new goal you’ve set – and this new way of being must be how you show up most of the time.

‘Cuz here’s the truth… when you demand more out of life, you are actually demanding more from yourself.

The price you must pay for achieving the goal you wish to achieve is to overcome all the internal blocks that have prevented you from achieving it in the first place.

This means you must anticipate setbacks, obstacles, and impediments.

Not because you’re negative, but because every person who becomes more must solve greater problems and overcome greater obstacles.

When you realize that the setback is the path, the game changes.

You no longer have the entitled attitude that you shouldn’t have problems or obstacles, instead, you simply focus on removing impediments and solving problems.

Make it your aim to keep your goals fixed firmly in your mind.

Focus on overcoming whatever is in the way.

Write your goals down every morning and evening.

Mentally rehearse success.

Focus on clearing away all the obstacles and give it your all each day.

Instead of focusing on what you cannot control (like other people, the government, the economy, the media, social media, etc.) – focus on what you can control.

You can’t control the world; you are not the General Manager of the Universe.

You can only control your little part of the Universe.

You get to control what you make all this mean.

Find an empowering meaning.

You get to control what you focus on.

Focus on success.

You get to control who’s in your life.

Only allow those in who speak success into your life.

You get to control whether or not you get back up.

Get back up today.

Realize that your job is not to avoid problems, but to solve them.

Realize that your job is not to allow your limiting beliefs to hold you back, but to world on healing all the internal blocks to success.

Today, you get the awesome opportunity to become the person it takes to make your dreams a reality.

Get back up. Solve problems.

Become the person is taken to live your dreams.

Find gratitude for the struggle. Focus on what you want to create.

Then get out of your own way.

Today, be intentional that you are ready, willing and able to change your behavior to match the goal you desire.

Make that change, today.

Remember to get out there, take action and make it real!

Don’t quit. If you fall – get back up and keep going

A simple message today:

Get back up.

If you’ve been feeling like now might be the right time to quit….

DON’T Most people give up right before a massive breakthrough.

You’ve got to keep going just a little bit longer than you normally would have in the past.

Push yourself to go further.

Keep the faith.

You have no idea what’s on the other side of staying the course.

Any normal person would have given up by now, but you are far from normal.

You are on the path to discover, live and thrive in your life’s unique purpose.

You are growing into something and something amazing.

And, even if you can’t see it just yet, you are on the edge of a powerful breakthrough.

You’ve just got to keep going a little longer.

Just take one more step today.

You don’t have to get it perfect.

And, you don’t have to do it all at once.

Remember that this life is a journey and a marathon.

It can feel overwhelming and impossible to do everything all at once.

So, don’t even go there.

Just take one step today.

And, if you want to give up… do it.

Give up…

But just for an hour, and then get back to it.

You are allowed to give up for an hour or two.

Just don’t give up all together.

That would be a big mistake.

I promise you that soon you will look back on what’s happening right now and realize that this was the start of something amazing.

And, the greatest gift of what’s happening right now is who you are becoming.

Did you consider that going through this… this is exactly what has to happen for you to step into purpose.

Don’t judge it as good or bad.

Don’t judge yourself.

Have patience.

Keep the faith.

Keep going.

You are doing an amazing job.

Just focus on taking one simple step today.

I’m proud of you.

Today: just keep going.

Remember to get out there, take action and make it real!

Seek the positive intent

This is a radical idea… but let’s try it out for a moment and see how it goes…

What if NOTHING is going wrong?

Have you considered that the pain of your life is the motivating factor that is pushing you to grow and evolve?

The question that your pain is asking you is a simple, yet profound question…

Will you align with your Soul, or will you turn away?

What does that mean, though?

“Align with you Soul…”

Sounds good, but WTF does it MEAN?

Here are five beliefs that are common when you aren’t lined up with your Soul:

1. I am powerless to change.

2. My happiness is dependent upon what other people do or think of me.

3. Only when I am perfect, will I be enough.

4. I am not supported.

5. There is no purpose to or for my life.

When you act out of these beliefs, life is stressful, life appears tough, and you stop growing. When you have these beliefs, it means that you are caught in the web of your Survival Patterns™ (those pesky irrational fears that keep you stuck) and that your past is running your future.

When you are feeling negative feelings, like guilt, shame, etc. – you are not living in the moment… you are living in the past.

The aim must be to LOVE these emotions and decide that these emotions are not who you are…. just emotions that are passing through you, seeking healing.

One of the best and fastest ways to heal… is to seek out the positive intent of every situation.

This is a mind-bender… and something that takes practice.

However, the more that you practice this idea, the better you will feel and life will begin to come into balance and make sense. Seek the positive intent of every situation. ‘

Every person does what they do, because they believe, on a certain level, that there is a positive intention behind their action.

Many times, that so-called positive intention is unconscious.

They are positively intending to survive, and there may be unconscious Survival Patterns™ that are running the show.

It’s a positive intention to survive.

03

What’s the positive intention of someone who hurt you?

This is a deep question.

And – here’s the answer… the positive intention of someone who hurt you was this…

They were trying to find some way… anyway…. to free themselves from the pain they were in.

And, they did it in a way that was not wise and caused you pain.

This doesn’t make it right. BUT – if we can see that they are trapped in a nightmare of unconscious pain, then they turn from a demon into a scared/wounded child who is seeking solace from their demons.

Seeking the positive intention does not justify what happened to us, but it helps us find empathy… the empathy to know that no matter what someone did “to us” – that they were also doing the same thing, or worse, to themselves… and most likely… someone did the same thing, or worse, to them.

In this way, we can begin to be open to the idea… the nothing and no one is “wrong.”

They are just seeking to feel better because they don’t have the tools or the awareness to act otherwise.

This means… they are growing… and so are you. When you judge something as “wrong”, you miss the lesson because you are in blame of the other.

This doesn’t mean you should accept injustice. However, if you ever want to truly heal… and put an end to what was done to you… that can only happen from a place of love.

If you hate the people that hurt you, that hate you, you join the darkness with them.

We must begin to see the pain behind the harmful acts of others. Nothing is wrong; we are growing.

They are in pain… and seeking relief in any way they can. It’s not their “fault, ” and it’s not your “fault.”

Soul Growth is a big deal… and can be painful. But it is NOT growing the creates the most pain.

Today, see the positive intent of all that seems “wrong” in your life…, and you will become open to a deeper and more empathetic view of yourself and all those that you know.

Here are five beliefs to take on today… that will help you align with this perspective and thus, your Soul:

1. I am a powerful being who can change anything and at any time.

2. My happiness is dependent upon the meaning I give the events of my life.

3. I am enough right now. I am perfectly imperfect, right now.

4. I am supported.

5. There is a beautiful and unique purpose to my life.

Focus on growth… on forgiveness and on empathy.

You’ll see the world with new eyes.

Nothing is wrong; all has been sent for your growth.

Today, dig deep roots… and grow through it.

Remember to get out there, take action and make it real!

What to do when you don’t feel ready to help others…

A big part of your mission on this earth is to help others.

There are so many ways to help others…

Yes, it can be through a business… it can also be through your job.

It can also be smiling at a stressed out person in the airport who is clearly having a bad day.

Make no mistake… the barrier to entry to serving others and making an impact is very low.

You don’t need a million followers, three Ph.D.’s, fourteen certifications and an MD after your name to help other people.

All you have to do to help someone is look around your immediate area and ask “How can I help someone, right here… right now?”

Of course, you need education.

And, if you’re calling is to be a brain surgeon… then high-quality education is a MUST (and also part of the Law).

However… most of the opportunities to help someone else do not require one more certification, one more Ph.D., one more follower for you to get started.

If you’re having a hard time getting started… or wondering what steps you can take today to help others… then remember this daily prayer from A Course In Miracles…

“Where would You have me go?

What would You have me do?

What would You have me say, and to whom?”

Get still and pray these questions.

Part of the reason the world is in pain is because those who can help others heal that pain are spending too much time questioning their worth and not enough time focused on serving others.

The more time you spend wondering if you are enough… if you need another certification or more education to be enough… remember this daily prayer.

Of course, education is vital. And continuing education is wise.

Education with the intention of growing your skill set and knowledge base is worthwhile education.

However, when education is driven by the insecurity that you’re not enough to serve, to help and to make an impact… well…

That’s a delay tactic. And… it’s selfish.

The homeless person you saw today doesn’t care about whether you have your health coaching certification just yet… they just care about where their next meal is coming from.

The marginalized person who experiences the fear of xenophobia and discrimination doesn’t need you to have a Ph.D. for you to whisper a word of encouragement or to stand up to the forces of fear that are trying to take away their rights.

The addict who is wandering around without any tools doesn’t need you to have a Ph.D. to help get them to a meeting or to sponsor them.

The victim of abuse and trauma doesn’t care how many followers you have… they are seeking reassurance that as they step into their power, they won’t be re-traumatized or hurt.

Do not allow the limitations of perfectionism to diminish your ability to make a difference right now.

Yes…. keep educating yourself… but do not hold back because you don’t feel ready.

God doesn’t call the qualified… God qualifies the called.

So…. right here… right now… in this moment… ask and pray….

“Where would You have me go?

What would You have me do?

What would You have me say, and to whom?”

And then do it. Right now.

Remember to get out there, take action and make it real!

it is okay to ask for help

Chances are… if you’re reading these words – you love giving to and helping others.

Is it true?

I’m almost 100% sure that it is.

And, if that’s the case… then I want to coach you today about why you may be feeling… amidst all that helping… like you are not getting your needs met… or that there may be some resentment or anger building up because after all that giving… there seems to be little or none left over for you.

How do you get your needs met? How do you create a life… and relationships in your life where there is an awesome amount of give and take?

How do you create relationships that are two-way streets?

The answer is in two parts.

Part 1 – Help others… Now, you probably got that one down.

So, we don’t spend more time talking about that right now.

BUT – part 2….. Asking for help. EEK.

That one is not as easy.

In every message I send to you, I ask for feedback.

It’s been interesting to read the results.

I’ve received thousands of responses (I read each one)… and the amount of love pouring in and directed at me is simply overwhelming and awesome.

Reading your feedback and words of encouragement lifts me every single day.

What’s more interesting to me is that there is one question that I ask… which is this:

Are there any topics you want me to cover more of in my blogs or videos?

And…. consistently… that question goes unanswered.

I hear responses like… “Not at this time…” or “Not that I can think of…” or “You’re good, bro…”

And it’s fascinating because when I look at the ratio of giving vs. asking for help… it’s skewed.

Almost every response has at least 2-5 sentences of praise for my work.

And yet… one or two words when it comes to how I can help you… Or… a bunch of giving… and not a lot of asking for help.

Don’t get me wrong…

I love hearing how much these daily coaching and intervention messages mean to you.

I do not take that for granted.

But, I found myself wondering why so many people are quick to write a lot about me… and write so little about how I can help them. And then it dawned on me….

Maybe you don’t know how to… or don’t feel like asking for help.

So, today… I want to put forward for your consideration… that it is okay to ask for help. From me… and from people in your life.

You cannot expect others to read your mind. And… if your needs aren’t being met… chances are… you aren’t asking for them to be met.

I know that it can seem strange and perhaps even downright scary to ask for help.

But… think about this…

When you ask for help, you give someone else the chance to give to you.

And, if you think about it… it feels good to give to others… so it’s a good thing to give others the chance to give to you.

If you are always only giving… you will feel depleted… and eventually resentful.

So… today… how can you open up and ask for help?

Maybe comment below and tell me how I can help you.

Or maybe there is someone in your life that you can ask for help from.

It’s a wonderful thing to help others… it’s also a wonderful thing to let others help you.

St. Francis said… that… “It is in giving that we receive…”

Considerer that it is also in receiving that we give.

How can you ask for help today?

Remember to get out there, take action and make
it real!

How You can help make the world a better place

When you find yourself in an argument, it can be hard to figure out who’s right and who’s wrong.

And, typically, it’s very easy to defend your position and in the process, work to make the other person’s position wrong.

Wars, divorce, betrayals…. and all kinds of painful human experiences are caused by the unwillingness to be wrong.

One of the most mind-blowing truths…. that it may be hard to comprehend… is that everything someone else has does…. was done because at least some part of them believes that there is a positive motive for their behavior.

It’s VERY easy to reject this idea… and bring to mind the most violent, cruel or abusive behavior and say… “What about THIS…” And… the answer is… YES…. even people who did THAT had a partially positive intention for their actions.

And… most likely that positive intention is survival.

They thought that on some level, their behavior would help them survive.

The problem is… survival is not the sole purpose of life.

Yes, each of us must get to a level where our basic needs are taken care of.

And, until we can get there, it’s VERY difficult and almost impossible to consider the effects of our actions on others.

Why?

Because if we consciously (meaning we KNOW IT) or unconsciously (meaning we DON’T KNOW IT CONSCIOUSLY) believe that our survival is threatened…. then our fight/flight/flee response kicks in and we focus on taking care of ourselves, first.

It’s a basic human nervous system response. And, it makes sense.

If we cannot survive, then we are not safe. If we are not safe, then we will die.

Thus… when we are in this contracted place… we will defend our “rightness” and do whatever we can to prove their “wrongness” because on a level of survival… being “wrong” is equated to death.

So, people who have hurt you in the past did so because on some level… most likely an unconscious level… they believed that that behavior would ward off a threat and help them survive.

It makes no conscious sense… but when we get into the unconscious and deep patterns of the human nervous system, we see that when we are traumatized, when we are in fight or flight, when we are in any kind of survival trance… our first and most automatic response is one of survival… even at the expense of others.

Thus, we cannot solve the problems that this survival only thinking brings from that same place of survival. We must find a solution based on higher emotional states or states of “consciousness.”

This is what Einstein meant when he said, “You cannot solve a problem on the same level of awareness that created it.”

Thus, the solution to every problem is not making “them” wrong, but in raising YOUR emotional state.

Which means that the fear you see in the world, the hate you see in the world… the anger or the lack that you see in the world… are actually emotional states that you are experiencing within your own self.

Which means that the work for you is not just “OUT THERE” but first and foremost “IN HERE.”

If you want to help marginalized people, then work to heal parts of yourself that feel marginalized.

If you want to help the world step out of economic lack, then work to heal the parts of yourself that are lack-oriented and step into abundance.

If you wish to end the xenophobia in the world, then work to heal your own xenophobic wounds so that you can love those that hate you.

If we could but focus on healing in ourselves the pain we see in the world, then the world would be in less pain.

Why?

Because at the end of the day… the only person who can make the choice for you to get better is YOU.

And this is true for the billions of people on the planet. Yes, we must work to make the world a better place. And, YOU are a part of the world.

So, if you want to make the world a better place, start with healing you own inner world. From there, you will have more and more power to create positive change in the outer world. World peace…. solving world hunger…. solving the polarization and xenophobia… will not come from systems outside of you… rather… the solutions to what you see in the world must start within you.

When we heal the internal conditions that are the root cause of the external problems we see, the external problems will dissolve away on their own accord.

If you want to heal the world, start with healing yourself.

And as you heal and improve your own emotional state… you will have greater and greater power to help others do the same.

Heaven on Earth is indeed and inside job.

Don’t wait for the world to go first… it’s YOUR job to lead the way.

Remember to get out there, take action and make it real!

Do you feel like a burden sometimes?

I want to share something with you.

Lend me your ear and let me whisper this truth into your heart…

Your needs… wants and desires are valid.

Your success is not a burden to others.

In fact, your success only adds to the lives of others.

It’s possible that you grew up needing to be the “responsible” one… it’s possible that you had to parent your parents, instead of being the child.

It’s possible that you thought… or still think… that if you express your thoughts, ideas or needs that it will be a burden to other people.

Why?

Because it’s possible that when you were growing up the adults or family in your life would shame you or guilt you or make an effort to wrong you for having needs.

They would ask… “What about me?”

And, then you may have caved in. And… in doing so abandoned yourself to please them.

And….this may have become a habit that you practice to this very day.

Let’s make a deal… today that pattern is over.

Your needs… Your wants… Your desires… Your wants… Matter.

Could you allow yourself to be taken care of?

Could you allow yourself to receive?

Could you allow yourself to raise your standards with who you allow into your life and only allow in people who… over time… bring you energy… not drain it?

Could you decide to set a boundary with anyone who is chronically draining you?

Could you ask qualified and trusted people for help?

Could you be open to the idea that the best way to find qualified and trusted people is first to start trusting intuitive yourself?

Would you be willing to… instead of trusting your fear and doubting your intuition…

Would you be willing to trust your intuition and doubt your fear?

What if… today… you started to ASK for what you want… and speak up.

Use your voice.

Still love others.

Still, take care of the people you care about.

But… just add a dash of YOU to the equation.

What movie would YOU want to see?

Where would YOU like to go for dinner?

What time would YOU like to go to bed and wake up?

What is YOUR favorite vacation spot?

What show would YOU like to watch?

What do YOU think is the best way forward?

Feel free to share yourself. Feel free to speak up. Feel free to surround yourself with people who will consider and incorporate your preferences and desires into the equation.

You are not a burden.

You’re a gift.

But, you can only be the gift when you speak up.

Speak up with love. Speak up with courage. Speak up with faith. Speak up… now.

Remember to get out there, take action and make it real!

The quickest way to find this Love is to Love yourself

When you Love someone or something, it’s a glorious thing.

You can love your pet, a friend, your Country, a romantic partner and even all of humanity.

And… there is one thing that is most important in your Love..

To include yourself. When you see the Universe for what it truly is… one Infinite whole… you realize that when you Love yourself, you are Loving others. And when you Love others, you are Loving yourself.

However, it’s vital that you Love yourself first. This is important for a few reasons. Consider cancer in the body.

Cancer is when a group of cells go rogue and start to make the whole body sick.

You could say… from a certain point of view… that cancer cells are akin to self-hate.

These cells grow and grow and grow… with no concern for the whole.

Cancer cells seem to lack the understanding that as they grow out of control, they create a toxic and lethal outcome for the whole body that they are a part of.

You can think of your own self-hate or negative self-talk in a similar way.

When you are in a chronic negative place, your negativity is something that grows and grows… within you and around you.

It rubs off on others… And others who are susceptive to negative energy are attracted to you.

And, in this way… the negativity spreads… and does damage not only to you, but to the whole.

This is why Christ’s top two commandments are:

1. Love God with all your Heart, Mind and Soul.

2. Love your neighbor as yourself.

These commandments are essentially one in and same.

If the Universe is a collective WHOLE… then Loving God is Loving the Whole.

And, you and all your neighbors are also a part of that collective Whole.

So, when you are Loving yourself, you are also Loving your neighbor.

When you are Loving your neighbor, you are Loving yourself.

The quickest way to find this Love is to Love yourself.

Not in a selfish way… selfish focus is not Love.

That is greed… or vanity… However, all the saints have said it in more ways that one… God is within you.

Jesus said that the Kingdom of Heaven is within.

So, contrary to what you may have learned or been told by fundamentalist dogma… with you Love yourself… that is Loving God.

Not only is God within you… God made you.

To Love yourself is to Love God… and God’s effort to create you.

This Self Love… Self-Knowledge… Self Understanding allows you to tap into your inner wisdom.

This inner wisdom resides in your Heart.

When you make peace with the voices of irrational fear and chronic negativity… you stop this cycle within yourself.

As you stop this cycle within yourself… you are like one cell that goes from cancerous to healthy.

A cascade of healthy cells turning from cancerous to healthy is how cancer goes into remission.

And just like with cancer… in order for the cell to stop spreading and growing… we just cut off it’s source of supply.

What supplies cancer cells with fuel to grow?

Sugar.

What supplies your negative mindset with fuel to grow?

Self-hatred.

So, the answer is not to hate those in the world who you disagree with.

Or to make others wrong.

The great key to life is to seek inwardly for what you blame outwardly.

To Love the parts of yourself that you hate in others.

This brings you the most power.

The most Grace.

The most healing.

Life is a hologram. What is in you is in the world, what is in the world is in you.

When you judge others… it is because you are actually judging yourself.

When you Love others… it is because you are actually Loving yourself.

When you Hate others.. it is because you actually are hating yourself.

As it is within you… so you will see it in the world. As you see it in the world… so it is within you.

So… today… instead of casting blame on others, instead of looking outwardly for what is wrong… seek to remove the sawdust from your own eye… so that you can see clearly.

Be kind to yourself. Be generous to yourself.

Seek the answers within you.

And you will end your search.

The answer to the worldly problems you see is not more blame, more hate or more fear.

It is… Love.

Start with you.

Remember to get out there, take action and make it real!

Is it Time to restart?

In six weeks last fall I dropped 55 pounds because I finally cracked the code on my body and what it really needs.

It was a game changer.

$200k spent over two years trying to figure it out.

Tests. Doctors. Nutritionists. Labs.

Finally, I figured out what my body needs and what I can do to help become as healthy as possible.

NOTE: I am writing about my very personal weight loss journey, I know that there are many coaches/nutritionists and weight experts in this community… I am not soliciting advice from you, and while I appreciate your concern, I am 100% happy with the coaches/mentors and people in my life who are guiding me in this process, so please know that while I am soooo grateful for your concern or to share your knowledge with me…. I’m all set. This note is not a call for more tips…

When I arrived home from Bali – I stopped the weight loss process.

Almost like taking a breather. A little pit stop.

Mostly because I had just moved and getting into a routine was difficult.

And I was happy with the weight I had attained. I’ve maintained a state of health and there are no signs of pre-diabetes in my blood work, which is awesome! Since January I’ve remained the same weight, and it’s been awesome to maintain that weight loss.

Now, I am picking up where I left off and restarting phase 2.

I am happy with my progress and enjoying the fruits of my hard work.

A couple of days ago I met with my nutritionist, Kevin Libby and we created a plan for the next 50 pounds.

Looking at me you wouldn’t think that there are 50 pounds to lose, but… I’m almost 6’5.

That spreads out a lot on this tall frame.

What’s so exciting about this next round of dropping weight is that I am feeling so centered about it.

Kevin isn’t into restriction or hating your body. Kevin and I are working together to actually give my body what it needs, and there is no feeling of restriction.

Some of the primary ingredients for my continued weight loss is focusing on de-stressing my life even more, as well as getting ample sleep.

So, sleep and de-stressing are some of my top priorities right now.

And, the best supplement, drug and “weight loss secret” there is is… FOOD.

What I actually eat.

I’ve maintained my weight, which is healthy.

It’s not good for the body to be in weight loss mode for too long. So, I maintained.

Now, I’m dropping again.

And, I am at peace with it. I think my favorite thing about this journey is being at peace with my plate.

I have mostly reconciled my adversarial relationship with food.

Of course, cravings come in every once in a while, but I have the tools and the knowledge to know how to handle them.

I was thinking about posting my routine, but I didn’t want to impose on you.

You see, each person is different, so I am hesitating to post my routine.

But, if I get enough responses I’ll post my whole routine – with the caveat that it’s my routine, which may or may not work for you.

One of the dangers I found in the fitness space is thinking that one size fits all.

It doesn’t.

So, I had to find my groove, but I’d be happy to share what I learned with you.

If you’re interested in that… just comment, and I’ll write something up if I get enough interest in this topic.

And… in the spirit of round 2… what can you re-start in your life?

It’s almost October… which means we are nearing the end of 2017.

Are there any commitments or goals you put down that it’s time to pick up?

What are they? Is it time for you to restart?

Join me in round 2… and let’s follow through on 2017 and make it epic.

And most importantly…. let’s have fun… like this guy…

Remember to get out there, take action and make it real!

In a tiff? The fast (and unexpected) way to resolve conflict…

Are there people in your life who you just can’t seem to understand?

Perhaps they act in a way that is totally strange to you and no matter how hard you try to make it work, it seems like they just don’t get it?

Over the last decade or more, as I’ve worked with clients, I hear all kinds of different stories about past and current relationships and how they go awry.

One of the common phrases is that there is a lack of “integrity.” Integrity is one of those words that gets thrown around personal growth conferences, therapists offices and in the general self-help lexicon.

Integrity is seen as one of the most important virtues one can have.

And – the lack of integrity in a relationship can be a part of its downfall.

But, the closer I’ve looked at many disagreements, I’ve seen that there is something else going on entirely.

If you’ve ever had a miff with someone who was “out of integrity” – I have a second opinion for you.

Now… before I got further, please know that if there is some kind of major violation of trust, or conscious action to break a promise… what I’m about to share with you doesn’t apply to that. YES – there are breaches of integrity, but there’s also this…

Many times what’s seen as a breach in integrity is simply misaligned or unexpressed expectations and/or values.

Lemme explain…

If one person in a relationship has the expectation that “love” is physical touch, they could feel that their partner is out of integrity if they are not touching them, holding their hand, etc.

If one person values freedom and another person values security, no matter how much “integrity” there is… there is going to be conflict.

So, before you go about assuming that someone you know is out of integrity, don’t rush to judgment… instead… dive deeper.

Many times, if you’re not getting along as your work, in a relationship or friendship – the simple fact is… your values may be clashing.

There is nothing wrong with this… the wise thing to do is to surround yourself with people who share similar values.

Another wise thing to do is to wonder…. “do I have any unclear or unspoken expectations?”

Many times people in this world don’t know what to give you or to help with if you are not clear about what you need.

Now, if you’re in a marriage and someone in the marriage violates a vow – that is a breach of integrity to that vow.

But, the reason why that vow was broken may be because your values are changing or there are unexpressed expectations.

If you can see much of the conflict in your life as a chance to get clear on expectations of both sides and also make sure that you’re operating with the same values… it takes a lot of the blame and judgment out of conflict resolution.

So, over to you… Is there anyone that you have a dispute or conflict with?

What are you valuing in this situation?

What are they valuing?

And… do you have any uncommunicated expectations? Do they?

Reply back and let me know… the answers to these questions can help bring about a faster resolution.

And the faster you can resolve this, the faster you can move on to bigger and better things.

I’m cheering for you!

Remember to get out there, take action and make it real!