Are there people in your life who you just can’t seem to understand?
Perhaps they act in a way that is totally strange to you and no matter how hard you try to make it work, it seems like they just don’t get it?
Over the last decade or more, as I’ve worked with clients, I hear all kinds of different stories about past and current relationships and how they go awry.
One of the common phrases is that there is a lack of “integrity.” Integrity is one of those words that gets thrown around personal growth conferences, therapists offices and in the general self-help lexicon.
Integrity is seen as one of the most important virtues one can have.
And – the lack of integrity in a relationship can be a part of its downfall.
But, the closer I’ve looked at many disagreements, I’ve seen that there is something else going on entirely.
If you’ve ever had a miff with someone who was “out of integrity” – I have a second opinion for you.
Now… before I got further, please know that if there is some kind of major violation of trust, or conscious action to break a promise… what I’m about to share with you doesn’t apply to that. YES – there are breaches of integrity, but there’s also this…
Many times what’s seen as a breach in integrity is simply misaligned or unexpressed expectations and/or values.
If one person in a relationship has the expectation that “love” is physical touch, they could feel that their partner is out of integrity if they are not touching them, holding their hand, etc.
If one person values freedom and another person values security, no matter how much “integrity” there is… there is going to be conflict.
So, before you go about assuming that someone you know is out of integrity, don’t rush to judgment… instead… dive deeper.
Many times, if you’re not getting along as your work, in a relationship or friendship – the simple fact is… your values may be clashing.
There is nothing wrong with this… the wise thing to do is to surround yourself with people who share similar values.
Another wise thing to do is to wonder…. “do I have any unclear or unspoken expectations?”
Many times people in this world don’t know what to give you or to help with if you are not clear about what you need.
Now, if you’re in a marriage and someone in the marriage violates a vow – that is a breach of integrity to that vow.
But, the reason why that vow was broken may be because your values are changing or there are unexpressed expectations.
If you can see much of the conflict in your life as a chance to get clear on expectations of both sides and also make sure that you’re operating with the same values… it takes a lot of the blame and judgment out of conflict resolution.
So, over to you… Is there anyone that you have a dispute or conflict with?
What are you valuing in this situation?
What are they valuing?
And… do you have any uncommunicated expectations? Do they?
Reply back and let me know… the answers to these questions can help bring about a faster resolution.
And the faster you can resolve this, the faster you can move on to bigger and better things.
I’m cheering for you!
Remember to get out there, take action and make it real!